I'm a whore for science

That's right.  I said it.  When I said you'd never have to sell your eggs to afford to travel, I wasn't telling the whole truth.  You want to know a great way to make some easy cold hard cash?  Give your body to science.  Science.  Now, I know that science has that in-tell-ec-tu-al ring to it, and we, as Americans, fear the intellectual, but hear me out.  You will be free to indulge in all the non-intellectual pursuits you've ever dreamed of when you are basking under the sun on a beach in Thailand, paid for (in-full) by science.  Ah, the life of a professional guinea pig.  Does it get any sweeter than that?

 

When I was a student at University, I became a regular in neuroscience research studies.  Most of these involved sitting through after-hours MRI sessions that paid a whopping tax-free $20/hr.  Every now and then someone would get curious and ask me for the hook-up.  Kind of like having the coolest drugs, except I had nothing to gain by recruiting new research subjects.  Just more people in the pool to take away from my income!  How dare they ask to get into this exclusive club!  And if they couldn't perform a simple Google search to find it for themselves, would science even want their inferior brains?!  I became a pro at showing up in my zipper-less pants, no underwire bra, keeping still in that tiny tube as I drifted off the the knock-knock-knocking of magnetic resonance.  What a life.

Flash forward to 2010.  I have just returned from my escapades on the other side of the world and am slowly realizing that I am no longer earning a comfortable income, nor living in a country where I can survive on $20 a week.  Who can I turn to in these dire economic times?  You guessed it: SCIENCE.

I've been enrolled for awhile now in a study that is paying some decent bones.  I joke that I have a tiny crush on the research assistant handling my guinea pig body (oh, how I wish he was literally handling my not-literally guinea pig body).  He used to call to schedule things early enough in the morning that my guinea pig ass was still in bed.  I'd answer in my half-awake raspy sex voice and try not to sound like too much of an asshole for still being in bed while decent people were off working.  By the voice on the other end, I decided that I wanted him to be an attractive person, and so when the day finally came to get drunk in front of him (for science, of course), I was delighted to see that he wasn't someone unfortunately mismatched in terms of voice/appearance attractiveness.  Let's just say that when you are hooked up to machines measuring your heart rate and blood pressure, you aren't really in the best position to make small talk with your one-sided love (yes, that is Konglish for "crush").  Throw in the fact that you are drinking cup after cup of worse-than-frat-house jungle juice (only the best for the guinea pigs!) by yourself (for science)... and well, you are now self-conscious of the fact that you are tipsy before noon on a Monday and you just want to hold your shit together the best way you know how and not be an obnoxious drunk Chatty Cathy in front of some stranger that you find vaguely attractive. 

I have a few rules for being a research subject.  Unfortunately, this ends up ruling out all the high-paying studies, but I usually value my health over some quick money, and isn't it nice to know I have boundaries?  Put simply:

-no experimental drugs

-no exposure to diseases or drugs that simulate diseases

-no long-term consequences

-nothing risky (clearly open for interpretation)

I am now faced with the dilemma of continuing with my current study and exposing myself to unnecessary levels of radioactive materials and earning myself an extra $200, or calling it quits.  

The obvious benefits here are:

-monies.  200 of thems.

the maybe benefits are:

-see pseudo crush object (though I'd probably make it awkward- if there is a way to be awkward, I will inadvertently succeed in finding it)

-have colorful photos of my brain to display in my future new home.  said photos will certainly bring all the boys to the yard.  (but if I wanted my brain in day glo, I could have just signed up for the shrooms & meditation study- yes, this is a real thing.  Science!)

the definitely not benefits are:

-unnecessary radioactive isotopes cruisin' through my body

What's a girl to do?

this is my brain.  it is for thinking.

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